Why Advice Columnists Should Be Drawn and Quartered

Every day, I read the Chicago Tribune. I think it's a terrific paper--really intelligent and grown up--and it tells the International news in a way that few other major metropolitan American papers do. I'm a fan. I almost always skip the section with the advice columnists, but today, I couldn't help but skim a column from Amy Dickinson in last Friday's paper.

The question came from a mother (Saddened by Complacency) who discovered her 16 year old's myspace profile and was horrified by her daughter's blatant display of sexuality online. Totally understandable that Mom would find this tragic, right? It's Ms. Dickinson completely asinine response that infuriated me. I'm quoting it below:

You are right to monitor your daughter's computer use. However, why she still has a myspace account at all baffles me. The site is intended for people 17 and over. I realize that this rule can be ignored, but if your daughter is demonstrating such poor online judgment, then it's time to take the "car keys" away until she figures out that those provocative photos she is sharing with the universe could affect not only her life now but haunt her well into the future. I don't have to provide you with nightmare scenarios -- just open the newspaper and pick and choose among horror stories about images of young people posted on the Web that end up being bought, sold and traded on porn sites.You need to talk to your girl not just about these dangers but about the more basic idea that her body belongs to her alone. You should then take the lessons you've learned to your community of parents -- through the school's PTA.

I'm astounded. What horrible, horrible advice. Sure, maybe I feel this way because I've spent years researching and thinking about girls and online journals and the positive ways they can impact self-esteem, community, and social interaction, but come on. Of course, that's probably what I get for thinking of advice columnists as journalists--god forbid this woman ask an expert what they think. Ugh. On what planet is prohibiting a child's Internet access either intelligent or feasible? So...I wrote an email...which I'm sure won't be published...so here it is. Enjoy.

Dear Ms. Dickinson,

A few thoughts on your response to "Saddened by Complacency's" concern for her 16 year old's myspace.com page. As an educator who has done a huge amount of research in the area of teen Internet usage, I have to respectfully disagree with your suggestion that Mom restrict her daughter's web site access. Doing so will not only infuriate her daughter, but run the risk of alienating the child--who certainly won't let her mother's restrictions keep her from participating on myspace. As we all know, the Internet is ubiquitous in our world, and kids use sites like myspace to discover themselves, to communicate, and to commiserate with their friends.

Kids need an outlet, and sites like myspace (which is not nearly as "public" as one would imagine and includes all sorts of safety screens that many teens use to keep strangers out and friends in), are designed to provide that outlet. Your assertion that the site is for 17-year-olds and older is incorrect--in actual fact, myspace is designed for high school students and limits account access to anyone younger than 16. Other, similar sites, like the ultra popular livejournal, are open to young people older than 13.

My experience shows that girls like this one use weblogs and online journals to vent, to express themselves and, most importantly, to garner acceptance for all the crazy emotions the average teenager feels. On these social networking sites like myspace, facebook, and livejournal, rare are the "lurking strangers," many are the schoolmates and friends. In fact, most of these users are being remarkably safe without their parents' intervention. Of course, few parents pause before "taking away the car keys" to ask about that.

The Internet is here to stay--and kids are going to use it. The culture of fear that we think benefits our kids in fact makes parents seem not just old fashioned but ridiculously uninformed--remember that this generation is the first that cannot remember life without the Internet--so, for them, it is a tool for communication and expression--like the inside of our locker doors, late night interminable hours on the phone, and diaries.

I am, in no way, suggesting that parents stay out of their children's business on the Internet. In fact, just the opposite. If "Saddened" wants to address her concerns for her daughter, she should try the old fashioned way--talking to her about *why* she has a myspace page and what she gets out of it. While parents often believe that they know best in all situations--in actual fact the Internet and websites like myspace, livejournal, and blogger are the domain of the young. Being closed minded and prohibiting teenagers' Internet access to websites where their friends are spending huge amounts of time will only serve to limit parents' own access to their children's lives.

Parents...ask your kids about the Internet. They know more about it than you do. And after you've listened, offer your thoughts and concerns--you'll be amazed by how much they've already listened to you and how safe they are being.

Thanks.

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fix your jones for knowledge about the Internet by asking the nearest 15 year old.

Posted by sarah t. at 4:54 PM